Growing up, there were certain things and events that I expected to happen. I expected to get married at 25, have children by 32 and have a happily ever after family life. I expected to have a thriving career by 35 and running a business that provided me with an extra source of income. As you may expect, not all these expectations were met.

As human beings, we have expectations, not only of ourselves, but even of those in our lives. We have expectations of our family members, romantic partners, children, friends, colleagues, employers, employees and the list goes on. We have predetermined what should happen for ourselves and those around us.

If you have ever attended any premarital classes worth its salt, many couples are advised to lower their expectations of their partners, then lower them some more, if they want to have a successful marriage. This is very sound advice. But then, there are societal and religious/spiritual expectations which continue to control how we live our lives. Being a woman in a society where religion and cultural expectations are strong and conflicting, these expectations are unforgiving and only those who meet them are praised. The pressure to meet societal and religious expectations is immense, but what are the benefits of meeting them? Is public praise worth the personal agony you will endure?

I recently found myself in a situation where I was faced with two options and no matter which choice I made, I would disappoint one of the two most important people in my life. I know the choice I want to make that I would be fully happy with and that I have been hoping for, but it is the disappointment that my choice would cause that is keeping me in turmoil. The expectations of another person are causing me to second guess following the path I have long desired. This is a pivotal decision and I know what I stand to lose, but I know the peace and fulfillment it will provide for me.

Once I turned 30, I learnt that people’s decisions are based on an array of information that is often not shared in its entirety. As such, people may ask for advice, I will offer it based on the information I have, but I will always ask, “What do you want to do?”. Regardless of the path they chose, I often support them, because, why should I be the one to pile on societal expectations onto a person who will have to bear the consequences of the decision alone?

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In the last few years, I have found myself experiencing a paradigm shift in different areas of my life, the most recent being what I want my daily life to consist of. Inspired by Nyanchomba, a life coach, I thought of what my ideal day would look like and what I need to do to get there.

I want to enjoy the passing of time. I want to enjoy every day, controlling my time, the course of the day, and enjoying the simple pleasures of a cup of tea on the lawn. I saw how people went about their days outside the cities in the small towns and rural areas and I wanted that, alongside the little comforts of the city that I have grown accustomed to.

As the new year rolled around, I listened to a podcast that described being wealthy as no longer having to exchange your time for money. I have been exchanging my time for money since I graduated. I have been employed for 8 years of my life and I have been answerable to an employer on how I spend 40 hours of my week. I want to take back control of the hours in my day and the only way to do this is to create wealth. I want to be more than a one dimensional person in my hustle. I no longer want to limit myself, but rather to diversify my income and my skills.

I set out to diversify in four different areas and though I know what I need to do, I am frightened and anxious to start. Taking the first step towards my goals has been the hardest, yet I cannot understand why I am afraid of it. I thought about it and narrowed it down to the fear of criticism, inadequacy and not achieving “perfect” results.

natural

In my reflection, I also realized some of the things I set out to do, do not come easy to me. I am, therefore, frightened by them. I realized that though I might want to do them, they are not natural to me and it is the reason I am afraid of putting one foot in front of the other. Shifting my focus to start with the things that were most natural and came easy for me is where I need to begin. By beginning with those that come easy to me, making a few strides and building up the confidence to take on greater challenges, I will be able to grow the confidence I need to tackle all four goals.

In the pursuit of diversifying, I intend to enjoy the process, whether challenging or smooth sailing.I intend to bet on myself and I intend to win every time. I want to be able to look back at this period in time and be glad that I took a chance on myself and succeeded.

Finding women in the workplace who are doing what you dream to accomplish is not always easy in certain industries as they can be few and far between. As a woman with goals to be successful in the work I do, I always want to see women winning. I want to nurture those below me to achieve their goals and I look for women who can mentor me in the workplace to enable me to successfully meet my goals.

Unfortunately all the women I have worked under directly (with the exception of one Indian man) have been the worst work experiences I have ever had. I had this conversation with my cousin and he mentioned that he had witnessed the hostility women face under that management of fellow women.

As someone who is rooting for our gender to win and a supporter of women empowerment, it pains me to see just how disrespectful and outright mean women in authority can be to their fellow junior women. The first time I experienced it, I asked a colleague what I might be missing that has caused the conflict. “You are a threat to her. She sees you as competition for the attention of your male counterparts and you hold the position she held. You can easily replace her.” I was dumbfounded to say the least. Her aggression towards me had nothing to do with my actual output.

My other boss who mishandled me had a bad reputation and the staff turnover averaged six months. One colleague was hired and left the organization within seven days. Her issue had nothing to do with me, but it was definitely a personality issue. When I left, they called me four times in three months trying to see if I would be willing to go back. I am not one to eat my vomit and I advise never to accept a counter offer. Do not do it! They will start looking for your replacement and as soon as a replacement is found, they will frustrate you with the intention of making you leave.

It is these experiences reporting to female bosses that saddens the side of me that fights for women empowerment. How is it possible that we as women can purposefully tear down another woman who you should be mentoring? I find it hard to reconcile that people climb a ladder but do nothing to lift others up. “We are our own worst enemies”. I never liked that saying but I have come to see just how true this statement is among women in the workforce. I hope that one day we will be enemies with real foes, rather than seeing a fellow woman as a threat.